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Bored
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Apr. 23rd, 2004 @ 10:28 am
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I wrote this a while back.
Why are we always in competition with each other as to who lives a harder life, and at the same time attempting to show people how great we are? People attempt to make their lives appear hard, then boast about their accomplishments, when in actuality their achievements are bound to happen because of their environment. If there is an upper-class male who cheated his way through his 15 grand a year private school, took expensive SAT prep courses, and had a daddy who’s an alumnus at Yale, big fucking deal if he gets accepted to Yale as well. That’s no accomplishment. It was simply inevitable as a result of his situation in life.
Furthermore, why are people constantly telling horror stories of their lives, and competing for who has the sickest family or most embarrassing event? Even worse, time and again I have heard people tell of friends of friends of friends with a difficult tale, seeming as though they are looking to “win” with the best story. Why are they trying to gain glory off someone else’s challenging life?
It’s sick contest, and the one with the most “hardship” overcome wins. The sad thing here is that the people with REAL hardship are the silent ones. We all have problems, but when I look at slides in nutrition class of the malnourished children with Kwashiorkor, what I perceive to be a problem in my own life is nothing at all. I don’t have to worry about if there is enough protein in my diet or whether I’m going to have a warm place to sleep tonight. The people with bona fide problems are those with so many obstacles in their way that they can’t even fathom what a life with 3 meals a day and a home with cable television is like. I worked in a shelter for homeless families one day a week for several months, and never heard a single “gimme”. I spoke with a woman who did not complain about what she didn’t possess, but instead was grateful for the safety of her family. It is difficult for me to keep things in perspective sometimes. My emotional and mental dilemmas capture my time far to often. In reality, I have had some shitty things happen in my life, but that’s only in my opinion. In comparison with most of the world, my “problems” are minimal. Instead of parading your accomplishments in front of everyone after your childhood was full of daisies and sunshine, shut the fuck up and be happy with yourself. If you have had a hard life, it is unlikely that you brag about it because you are happy to be where you are now.
This is all taken from my experience with children from the projects with crack addicts for parents, abused and/or homeless children, and people who have worked in China, Russia, and India, devoting their lives to helping others. I’m sure if I traveled to poorer countries, I would have a better understanding of how easy I have it in my little dorm room in Texas. Whenever I start complaining about stupid, mundane shit, I will try to remember what I have seen in real life, pictures, and stories I have heard from others. I am not saying to pity these people, because they might pity your ignorance as well. I am simply saying that if you take a look around, maybe you will realize you, yourself, are not the center of the universe and not be so damn selfish.
Also, I'm aware that I worry about stupid shit, so don't waste time informing me of this.
-A.Mood:  devious Music: Steve Miller Band |
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Rules
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Apr. 21st, 2004 @ 01:33 pm
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The following are some new guidelines I have set for myself to prevent mental breakdowns and dangerous behavior.
When I am overwhelmed due to extreme and sudden stress, I will sit down and count to 20. At that time, I will take 3 deep breaths, then think before I act.
When a friend gives me alarming information, I will not automatically jump to how it affects me, but instead will try to rationalize their situation by not speaking or crying for 2 minutes.
When a stranger does something to offend me, I will say nothing and look at them sincerely and straight and tell them what I think in proper vocabulary and tone of voice.
When someone close to me does something to offend me, I will not act automatically, but instead think of a different way to approach it.
When things not working out the way I want overwhelm me, I will lay down for 5 minutes and think without crying or talking. |
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Why do I think the things I do? I know the chemicals in my brain aren't functioning correctly and everything is exagerated to worse than it actually is, but the medication should be helping that. I am stressed and in physical pain all day. I don't like feeling like this. I told myself to stop thinking such bad thoughts. I can't seem to stop, though. I am not content with life unless I am with my boyfriend or alone reading. For the rest of the time, I just exist until I can make it into one of those situations.
I hate how I overreact and think that everything that happened in the past is in spite of me. I want to be there for the...handful of friends that I have. I am too fucking selfish about it. I take their problems, and twist them into something that hurts me. I don't know why, but I need to stop and gain some sensitivity. |
| » Therapy |
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I have decided I need to go back into therapy. Thoughts and issues I had as a young child are returning to me, and are incredibly disturbing. Some thoughts you keep to yourself, but it is hard to sometimes, and you let it out to someone you are close to. I don't know why I feel the way I do, and why I'm just now addressing it, but I feel that some of the problems I have had in the past couple years go back further to my childhood problems. My intrigue with sick sexual things at a young age (4 or 5) really bothers me. Just thinking more about seeing a therapist.
A.
Apr. 20th, 2004 @ 11:38 pm
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| » Filthy Folks |
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I posted the following letter on the door to the community bathroom in my dorm:
Dear Anonymous Hair-shedder,
If you lose that much hair and already aren’t seeing a doctor, by all means, go. This letter has nothing to do with WHY you lose your hair, but rather how you leave clumps of it in the shower. The custodial workers and other residents do not deserve to tolerate your abandonment of hair in our showers. As an inhabitant regrettably forced to share a bathroom with you, I nearly vomit each time I see the remnants of your hair left on the floor or in the shower. If I were to actually vomit on the floor, I’d clean it up because I AM NOT SCUM forcing others to clean up my mess. Respect yourself, and if you can’t do that, at least respect the people forced to cope with your nauseating filthiness. You aren’t the only girl residing in this dormitory. If you lose 50 pieces of hair, fucking pick it up and throw it away already. You disgust me.
A tad mean, but incredibly necessary.
Apr. 19th, 2004 @ 03:24 pm
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| » tehehehehe look at me |
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Fucking Ides of March. I hate that shit.
Apr. 17th, 2004 @ 10:55 am
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| » Battle My Fishy |
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Dead Penguin is the baddest motha around.
Meh....he's not. But Inner Death is wonderous.
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EDIT
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Check this bad boy out!
inner death
Penguinfish
Agility
4 | | | Strength
6 | | | Stamina
9 |
| Battle Rating
19Origins
inner death was bought at Walmart |  |
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Mar. 31st, 2004 @ 05:10 pm
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| » Duuude--Starting over |
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I'm starting over with a clean slate. Hopefully the people who read this won't get so fucking offended at what I say. The past few days have been shit. I had 3 tests and a presentation, and have no fucking clue. I know I failed one test...in the same class I failed that last test in. So, tommorrow I go see Thrice. I'm fucking excited. My lover and his friend are coming up to Austin from San Antonio. It's at like 6 PM, but hell, it's fucking Thrice. Alright, I need to get back to learning German with Scone soon. Been fucking distracted lately. I'll start writing tomorrow, just thought I would leave an introduction for you.
Ari
Mar. 31st, 2004 @ 04:50 pm
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blasphemyisay's journal